In some ways, it was harder than I ever thought it would be. In others, it wasn't as bad as I imagined.
We said our final goodbyes to our loyal and loving angel, Fannie, last Saturday morning.
I've never been sadder. For all of my forty years, I've been spared the loss from death of immediate family, close friends or pets. It's not that I haven't had pets die before, but at the time of their death, there was distance and time between us.
Fannie was our constant everything for the past fourteen years. Constant fun, constant sweetness, constant love, constant protection.
Not having her in our lives is a constant ache that I can not pacify. Can not make less.
She's still everywhere. Her imprint is still in the blanket where she slept every night, I can see the curve of her back where the blanket created a wave to fit her mold. Her scent is in her bedding. Her leash and collar, hanging. Her dog bowl, the smallest of the three, forever empty.
And in spaces where she is so very absent, the void is just as great.
My husband and I would always look at each other and smile when we heard all seven of her pounds hit the ground upstairs from jumping off the bed. And then when her tiny paws met hardwood floors we would both exclaim,
PITTER PATTER PITTER PATTER!
We knew our sweet girl was bounding down the stairs to find us. You could always tell where Fannie was in the house by the sound of her hurried paw steps.
In the end, Fannie's little stomach was overcome with cancer cells. She collapsed, her last night, and was unable to walk. But she fought so hard, triumphed over so much. She taught me the biggest lessons in resilience and love.
We put her to sleep. The last thing she heard me say was the same thing I've said to her on countless nights throughout her entire life.
Fannie. Let's go night night.
She did. A night without her morning but a mourning nonetheless.
I knew the second I saw this picture in my viewfinder several months ago, it was going to be the one. The one that brought my girl back to me in memory and spirit.
And here she is, awash with sunlight. She loved the sun so much.
I will miss you forever, my sweet baby girl.
My dear friends, thank you for reading this and helping me honor Fannie. I don't know when I will be back to blogging as I can't imagine writing about anything at this point.
Again, I thank you.